May 5th, 2001

How many times do I have to tell youse guys to remind me to rant more often? I mean, seriously folks, you're only hurting yourselves. Now, back to my latest rant, which I promise you is not only hickory smoked, but seared to perfection on my Hibachi of Barbequeing +4. Hold on to your lederhosen ladies and germs, this one's gonna be lip smacking good.

Oh, and on a side note, don't go here or here either.

On the subject of lip smacking, I recently bid upon a very eccentric item on ebay. This strange piece was billed as a "Bottle-O-Dice." Now I, being in the market for d20's and assorted other multifaceted plastic gems, saw this and said to myself, "Self," says I, "this Bottle-O-Dice really sounds interesting, I think that I shall bid on it, and see if I win." So, now nearly exactly one point five weeks from this decision, I am now in possession of one verified "Bottle-O-Dice" which I promptly renamed "Bottle O' Dice" for obvious colloquial reasons. As soon as I got back to my room, I immediately was wont to test the dice which happened to be on the inside of this curious artifact. As soon as I opened the cap of the Bottle O' Dice, I found the exact reason why this person was so eager to rid himself of such a seemingly useful parcel. The dang dice wouldn't come out! Well, needless to say, three hours, two hacksaws, a rubber mallet, a chicken, three gutting knives, some candles, a 5 story building, and a copy of John the Ripper later, I managed to transform the very useless, but nifty looking, Bottle o' Dice into the very useful, but not very aesthetic, "CardFile O' Dice!" And verily I did bask in the glory of mine radiance, and my roommate laughed heartily when I fell off of my chair.

Speaking of the dames, where the hell are they? It seems like all my friends are getting hookups. (Exceptions duly noted, shout outs to my bro's down in USC!) Not only is it depressing, it saddens me. Personally, if I were president of the United States of America (and it looks more and more likely every day, especially after a few shots of gin, when my campaign manager/leprechaun Mr. MacGillicudy shows up to talk strategy.) I would outlaw PDA's, or public displays of affection. Anyone participating in any of these acts would be shot on site, no questions asked. These kind of people don't deserve to live. Get a room and start scrompin' for god's sake, don't tease the rest of us. If you're gonna summon storks, just get down and dirty, don't drag the average IQ of the room down with your dove eyed stares... Speaking of mad scromping, I'm collecting money currently to purchase a hotel room so that my roommate and his girlfriend can have a weekend of mad, wild, hot wookie sex while I enjoy the four star life of a suite at the Marriot. (Doesn't that story end in "Don't stand up in a rowboat?") Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is not that sex is bad, and cuddling is evil, what I'm trying to say here is that I'm available, so don't be shy girls, come on down, I'll show you real Southern [California] hospitality.

So to recap, EBay roxxors my boxxors, people who are trying to absorb a member of the opposite sex through reverse osmosis roxxors my boxxors, but in a bad way, unlike the previously mentioned roxxoring of my boxxors done by the magical online auction site hosted at EBay!!!

This is SMiH(Capt. jonthegm of the Cyberarmy) signing out.